Four years ago… Or was it five now? I really don’t know, time is pretty fluid for me…. I had a mental break down.
I’m not talking about one of those Real Housewives ‘lay in bed for a weekend with a martini in hand and lament about first world problems’ kinda mental breakdowns. I mean a real, spend close to a year freaking the fuck out about everything and then spend another year getting used to real life again, kinda mental break downs.
Thing is… This wasn’t my first snap from reality. Or my second. In fact, I had mini snaps from reality on a semi-regular basis. Somewhere near the bottom of this mental breakdown (no I never ended up in the hospital somehow) I ended up with a diagnosis or two. They were BiPolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. I could only process one at that time though due to the crap storm going through my head. So I took my BiPolar diagnosis and my prescription and I proceeded on with my life. Poorly.
I continued to make bad decisions and didn’t take my medication as I should. My life continued to be a hail storm of mental illness based chaos and finally it happened. I got tired. I am tired. I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of looking back at the last 3/6/9/12 months and saying “Oh for fucks sake… What did I do this time.”
As far as I’ve been told over the years I have Borderline Personality Disorder, BiPolar II, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Addictions issues, Eating Disorders and Self Harm issues. My brain is a pinata of crazy… Just hit that shit and see what falls out. I am tired. So I am finally really perusing help. I want to start properly managing my issues.
Seems like such an easy thing to do, I know but that means addressing them and coming to grips with the fact that my brain, the singular organ that keeps me alive and makes me who I am to my very core backfires on me on such a grand scale. It means admitting that this will never go away. I will never be “normal”.
I’m not a big fan of conformity normal but I may never be able to hold down a job or even be able to have an argument with a romantic partner without flying off the handle in a spectacular fashion. It means that I will always have to make sure that when I’m stressed I’m not overspending, over flirting or doing something equally stupid because my brain doesn’t process like other peoples. This is a lot for one person to face and I am just now, really facing it and really ready to get the help I, my family and my close inner circle of friends deserve.
Getting help also means that I am facing playing the “meds game”. What works, what doesn’t and what side effects I will have. I will likely end up in therapies (plural) and we get to see how all of that affects my brain.
I have decided to add this journey to my blog for a few reasons. The first being, mental health is so very misunderstood and I believe the only way to really start to understand it is to bring it out of the shadows. To speak up. Anyone can suffer from mental health issues. From situation depression to a myriad of issues such as myself and let me tell you this much, just because you can’t see it, just because they don’t look sick, doesn’t mean they aren’t and don’t deserve as much care as somebody laid up in a bed somewhere. Please don’t mock or tell us to “pull up our socks” or “just be happier”. Thats like telling a cancer patient to “just be healthier”. It’s not going to happen just because you suggested it and in doing as such you’re actually making the situation worse because you’re reminding us of something we should be able to do and can’t.
Another reason I’m doing this is for myself. As I mentioned earlier time is fluid for me. I made the decision to really start perusing this path to mental wellness two and a half weeks ago (I think) and I want to keep track of it the best I can. I think this will be the best way to do it.
I know this is supposed to be a geek blog and there will be that too but the geek are supposed to be intellectual… So lets be smart about this and talk. Talk about mental health. Only by talking openly and candidly can we break down the walls and end the stigma.