***caution: this entry may cause triggers***
Years ago I knew a man. I had consensually slept with him once and we had fooled around a few times after that but
overall we were just acquaintances.
He was going through a break up and I became something of a shoulder to lean on. I do that.
I got a phone call one night that his ex-girlfriend was coming to get her stuff the next day. Since he sounded no more
than bereft about the events, I told him that I couldn’t go out because I had the kids but he could come over and talk.
It wasn’t that late in the evening but when the cab pulled up and he got out, I could see that he was very drunk.
I sighed and invited him in for water and chats.
Shortly into the conversation he tried instigating sexual activities and I declined them.
He then told me that he was bigger than me and if he really wanted it, it would happen.
I promptly told him to leave and I never wanted him in my home again.
The next time I saw him he tried to apologize but I was having none of it. I stood my ground and told him that we weren’t
ok, we would never be ok and no amount of ‘sorries’ would change what he said and what it did.
I didn’t actually see him for years after that. My life went on and so did his.
When I did see him again I was in a long distance relationship. He quickly discerned that I hadn’t had sex in a while
and was charming enough to ask if I wanted to. What. A. Gentleman.
I gave a firm no. I had managed to be monogamous till now, not an easy feat for me, and I wasn’t going to screw it up
any time soon.
Two weeks later it was my birthday. Super-Douche was in the bar but I was surrounded by friends.
My friends whom, by the way, have a saying for birthdays. If you can still walk, your friends suck.
My friends did their jobs because the last thing I remember is being by the pool table with a friend.
The last thing I remember is smiling and laughing in a Value Village prom dress and plastic tiara.
In the morning, I was naked, hungover and next to a man I had turned down two weeks prior.
I was naked, hungover and next to a man I had told was never welcome in my home.
I was naked, hungover, confused and scared.
Now, I’ve had lots (and lots and lots) of sex in my time but I can always remember giving the people the green light.
I don’t remember anything about this.
According to a friend who tried to convince this guy to leave, I got sick. I simply held my head in the cab. I repeated
how much I wanted to just sleep. I was tired, drunk, sick and I just wanted to sleep.
Now I was naked and scared.
I saw him off and promptly started a panic attack so bad I ended up in the hospital.
I texted a friend and told her I had just gotten out of the hospital and her response was “maybe now you’ll get the
help you need” … I didn’t reach out to anybody else about this for quite some time.
I took a depression and anxiety “acute partial hospitalization program” (out-patient program) where I was treated like
some kind of party obsessed sex fiend. I was told I was there because I had no boundaries and couldn’t handle it anymore.
I was there because I did have boundaries and they were violated.
I came out with this to my brother during, admittedly an inopportune time, and he said that “shock value won’t win you
It hasn’t been all bad as I open up about this. I’ve had people hug me while I cried. I’ve had them urge me to tell more
people, which I guess I’m doing now. I’ve had offers to escort me to the bar in case he showed up.
I’ve had people calm the panic attacks when he is there. I’ve had people listen to me get angry about being afraid where
I never was before. I’ve had people convince me to celebrate my birthday even though I was afraid.
I’ve had them tell me that it wasn’t my fault. I’ve had support.
I’ve been terrified to say anything because I didn’t want to hear how it could have been my fault. If I didn’t drink
that much, sleep with that many men, be “that girl” but more over I’ve kept quiet because I didn’t want to go from
Christa to ‘rape victim’
I am also so, so tired of pretending everything is ok when sometimes it’s not. I’m sick of being scared and I’m sick of hiding this when I know, it’s
not my fault.
So…this happened to me.
Please know that if it happened to you, you CAN reach out. There will be people who will listen, who will love you.
The people who say you shouldn’t have, if you had only, maybe you should have… Are trying to lay the blame with you and listen hard. It. Is. NOT YOUR FAULT!
Please open up and let people help you get better. It will be slow but it will be worth it.