Earlier today an article popped up on my Facebook feed. Thankfully most of my Facebook friends are progressive thinking individuals and this was posted with rage. I truly hope the article was written in satire but sadly, I don’t think that is the case.
The article, 50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men was from a site called wallstreetinsanity.com by a contributor by the name of Chuck Henderson.
As a forward thinking woman who has had zero trouble with the fellas, I have decided to take it upon my enraged self to debunk most or all of these
(please note: for the sake of responding to this tripe, I’m keeping the relationships in the male/female but this can translate to any gender identity and relationship construct. I also fully realize that not every girl is a “girly girl”, which are a lot of the points here but in the interest of straight up response I’m not even going to touch that in my replies. That would turn this into a blog post worthy of Tolstoy)
1. You Gotta Stay Away From His Internet Search History
You can’t handle it. It’s more or less the same for every guy, so don’t think he’s a perv or anything. But if you go browsing where he’s been, you’ll regret it. There are some things you can’t unsee.
Most of the women I know already know that their guy looks at porn. Here’s a tip though, so do we. So if that’s the only thing you have to hide than either suck it up or stay away from our history too, on the off chance it might fuck up some skewed Madonna/Whore thing you have going on.
On the flip side, if you do have something to hide and you are keeping your browser history hidden, maybe you should stop being such a dick and change your behavior.
Lastly, most people will only go through stuff like that if they’re already suspicious or have massive trust baggage.
2. You Can’t Change Him
I know that you know this intellectually, but on some level, you may still think you can pull it off. You can’t. And if you do manage to get it done, he’ll figure it out and resent you for it. Love him the way he is or not at all.
Do we want to change the way you suck food out of your teeth? Yes. Do we want to change the way you think that a concert tee from 1998 is still cool to wear to the bar (in a non-ironic fashion). Absolutely. Do we want to change your core values and personality traits? NO! We really and truly don’t.
Honestly, if they were that big a deal, we would have just broken up with you long ago when they started becoming too big to ignore.
3. You Shouldn’t Take It Personally When He Checks Out Other Women
Unless he’s leering and drooling, just let it slide. It’s a reflex and he can’t help it. Just let it slide.
This one is a hard one for me because as a bisexual women, I’ll check out other women. I’ll also check out other men. If I see a guy with a nice solid rib cage, big arms and great eyes walk by…I’m gonna look. Every. Time.
That said, everybody is entitled to their insecure moments and everybody is entitled to say “Not today please”
Any respectful partner worth their weight in salt will understand and respect that without question.
(Also: If you’re constantly checking out tall, skinny, big chested blondes…this short, chubby, moderately chested brunette is going to wonder why you’re even with her)
4. He Will Choose His Friends Over You
They’ve been with him for way longer than you have, and no matter how much he loves the regular sex, he’ll sacrifice it if you’re trying to 86 his buddies from his life.
On the flip side, if you’re out with your buddies more than you’re with your S/O…we’ll 86 you from our lives.
Reality check: We love that you have a life outside of us. It gives us a chance to have a life outside of you. If that life balance becomes skewed though, changes need to be put into place.
Please don’t go out with the guys 5 nights a week and then come home, crawl into bed & poke us and expect us to be *that* happy to see you
5. Never Criticize His Mother
If he wants to do it, and you commiserate with him, that’s fine. But if you’re the one who brings it up, watch the fuck out. Odds are, there are qualities she has that he sees in you, so try to figure out what those are and relate to her on that level.
Totally guilty of this one. I’ll admit it. That said, don’t ever make a woman feel like she’s in direct competition with your mother and worse, the only reason she wins is cause of sex. Dude…that’s just weird.
Also: Don’t expect us to like your mother just cause she’s your mother. We might like her cause she’s an awesome lady or we might dislike her cause she rubs us the wrong way. That’s just human nature.
6. You Have To Let Shit Go
You’ll have a lot of fights over the course of the relationship, but when they’re over, they really need to be over. Throwing old arguments back in his face will lead to loss of trust and ultimately change how he feels about you.
This is just a relationship thing. Try to stay on the topic at hand when having an argument. It’s also the hardest to do. For every argument I’ve been in where we have both stayed (mostly) on topic, I’ve been in just as many where one or both (yes…BOTH) partners devolved into past offences. It happens.
Just try to pick up your pride and steer the ‘conversation’ back to it’s original course.
7. Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want To Know The Answers To
Hey, he’s got a history and so do you. If you love him for who he is now, don’t worry so much about the steps he took to get there.
Goes both ways buddy. If you don’t want me knowing how many drugs you did in college or how many women you slept with than I don’t want you asking questions of that ilk either.
That said, some questions need to be addressed and those are at the discretion of the couple. Back to having nothing to hide.
8. You Can’t Bombard Him The Second He Walks In The Door
He knows you want to talk about what that bitch said to you at work today or your plans to redecorate the bedroom, but for god’s sake, let him have a beer and stare at the TV for at least half an hour first.
What the actual fuck was this entry? Does the author really think that’s all women want to talk about?
If I want to rant off about work or celebrate that another state legalized equal marriage (like a real god damned human) I will. This isn’t the 1950’s anymore asshole. We’re not waiting at the door with a drink, your slippers and dinner in the oven.
If the beer and TV is more important than listening to your S/O…maybe you should start seeing them instead.
That’s not to say that we don’t all come home from work now and then needing some decompression time but for the love of being a grown up, say that!
9. Withholding Sex Is A Dangerous Game
I don’t care how mad you are at him, if you cut him off for an extended period of time, what happens next is on you.
So are veiled threats. I personally do not believe that men are such sex crazed animals that they need to chase tail just cause they’re having a tiff with the wife that ended in not getting nookie. I’m so very sorry you do.
10. He’s Jealous Of All Your Straight Guy Friends
Bitch about him to the girls all you want, but if you’re confiding things to other men and he finds out about it, he’s going to get jealous. Sorry to break it to you, but he wants to be the only man in your life.
WOAH! Double standards much? I’ll kindly address you to point 4. My male friends have been in my life longer than you have.
They saw me with out make-up before you did, they held me while I cried before you did, they loved me when I was unlovable before you did. They got me to the point where I met you and was the person I am today. Instead of jealousy, you should thank them.
Seriously… Cards or drinks. Meat of the month club memberships. Those guys have been through the wringer.
11. He Wants To Try Anal
He might never ask for it, but he wants it. And odds are, most, if not all of his former girlfriends wouldn’t let him. Let him have it at least once, maybe on his birthday. It’ll be a bonding experience.
Lets bond over making your anus hurt for a few days and you feeling like you have to take a shit the entire time we’re having sex…cause if we do, it’ll show just how much you love me. *face palm*
I understand that some women like it and are into it. I also understand that some men aren’t and don’t.
Like every other sexual preference, it’s personal and boundaries should…nay, must, be respected.
12. He Wants To Bang Your Friends
I’m not saying he’ll do it, but he wants to. Don’t take it personally—he’s wanted to bang 90% of all the women he’s ever met. It’s really not that big a deal. Let him know you know and watch how red he gets.
Meh…we wanna bang your friends. Especially that really attractive one nursing the break up, broken wing vibe right now.
13. You Should Learn To Play Pool
There’s nothing hotter than a chick who can beat you in pool.
No. I hate pool
14. He Wants You To Seduce Him
Yes, he probably likes sex more than you do, but you want him to be happy, right? Don’t wait for him to instigate every time. Surprise him every once in a while.
Did I read that right? You want him to be happy, right? Holy shit!
We will instigate when we want to thankyouverymuch.
If zero instigation has been happening lately, maybe you should ask whats going in on in our world. There might be something bigger than sex (yes…bigger than sex) that we haven’t told you about (and it might be because we don’t want to bombard you when you walk through the door)
There might be problems at work, issues with the kids or even the dreaded problems in bed.
If you ask, instead of pout, shit gets fixed.
15. He Notices When You Don’t Wear The Jewelry He Bought You
If you don’t like it, for Christ’s sake, say so and let him try again. It seems ungrateful when you wear it once and then he never sees it again.
And we notice when you buy is a necklace to replace the one we always wear…that we got from our grandmother.
Secondly: Look above and look below…notice how much god damned whining is going on. Do you really think we want to endure more of that shit over a necklace or earrings?
16. He Wants You To Need Him
Sure, you’re an independent lady and he likes that. But he also wants to feel useful. So let him change a light bulb and open pickle jars for you. It boosts his self-esteem.
Everybody likes to be needed from time to time. It’s nice. This isn’t a man thing, it’s a person thing.
Just like people like to be independent…so cut the condensation crap
17. You’ve Got To Watch Your Weight
Oh shit, did I really say that? Well, it’s true. Just because you landed him doesn’t mean you can eat whatever you want and stop going to the gym (and to be fair, neither can he).
And we’re at the body shaming…I just can’t
18. If You’ve Been Living Together For Longer Than Three Years, He’s Not Going To Marry You
At that point, he already considers himself married, and the idea of a wedding is more of a hassle than the special day it is to you. You can try to force him into it if you want, but…
If he’s been living with someone for over three years and knows she wants to get married but he has no plans of it…seriously dick move and nobody should be asked to mind read that shit.
I know plenty of couples who put house and career above the wedding only to do it later on as well, so, never say never.
19. Ultimatums Do NOT Work
Any time you try to force a guy to do anything, he WILL resent you for it. Try an honest talk about how you feel and what you want out of the relationship before you give him an “either/or.”
At the risk of repeating myself…this is not a gender issue. This is a grown up relationship issue.
20. He Wants Kids
It’s hardwired into his DNA. No matter what he says when he’s in his twenties, when he gets a little older, he’s going to want a legacy to leave behind. But please make sure he’s ready before you stop taking your birth control.
Fair. Most women want kids too. It’s basic respect to have at least one discussion about bringing another life into this world before actually going ahead with it. Please also understand that no birth control method is 100% and things happen (except abstinence but remember what you said about withholding sex?)
21. He Knows When You’re Lying To Him
He might not even be sure what you’re lying about, but he knows when you’re not being honest. Better come clean, or his head will fill up with worst-case scenarios.
Those jeans look great on you. Of course I don’t mind if your sister comes over for the weekend. I didn’t even realize I still had that dating profile, I’ll go delete it right now.
We know too.
22. He Wants You To like What He Likes
Whether it’s movies, sports or hobbies, he wants you to enjoy those things with him. Even if it’s not your thing, try to have fun with the fact that it makes him happy.
But who really wants to date a carbon copy of themselves?
I’ll go to a soccer game with you…once…if that’s your deal. I’ll give that show a whirl, you get three episodes to win me over. After that though, I’m really ok with you having your interests and me having mine. Just so long as we have enough of the same interests to still have a few things to do together, I’m really more than ok with you having your own likes. It’s called independence.
23. He Thought You Looked Good In That First Outfit
The more you change clothes before you go out, the more impatient he gets. After the second one, he doesn’t care anymore. Just pick one and let’s go!
Know what…I’m just gonna wait till a later entry to address this one.
24. He Has No Interest In Shoes
What is it with women and shoes? You may think that new pair is the cutest thing in the world, but it just mystifies him.
Oh my God…I’m not even half way through and I’m already running out of steam with the hypocrisy here. What happened to “like what he likes”? Doesn’t that work both ways?
Just pretend to be happy, don’t fuss too much if we want another pair and you’ll be more likely to get another of that thing you like.
(I’m not even getting into the ‘not every woman is a shoe woman’ argument. Shoes will take the place of what ever thing you like)
25. You Should Always Take His Side
Within reason. But if he’s involved in some kind of debate and you take sides against him in public, he will never forgive you.
If I don’t agree with his point, I am in no way obligated to agree with him. Ever.
26. He Wants You To Expose Him To New Things
He wants to feel like you’re bringing something extra into his life, so tell him about your favorite authors, philosophers, whatever. If you help him grow as a person, he’ll always be grateful to you for it.
Likewise. Unilateral relationships are boring and end quickly. Bring something to the table and both partners, regardless of gender, will be grateful.
27. You Need To Tell Him Exactly What You Want
Don’t make him guess, because he’ll pick wrong. And don’t be vague about it either. If you want something, just say it straight out. Odds are, he’ll give it to you.
Unless you’re Professor X, nobody is a proficient mind reader. Openness and honesty are key to any relationship.
It is nice to be surprised with that perfect little trinket now and then though, no matter who you are.
28. He Hates That Short Haircut
Very few women can pull off that pixie hairdo (although the ones that can do it beautifully). He likes your hair long, so don’t go chopping it all off without running it by him first. How would you feel if he got a Mohawk or grew a rattail?
Last time I checked, my hair was on my body. Now since it’s my body, it’s my choice. Are we really going to get into a pro/anti-choice debate over hair?
Most partners will consider their partners preferences in appearance. If I choose to get my hair cut though, there is most likely a reason and I’ll stick by it
29. He Wants You By His Side
If you abandon him at parties and go talk to your friends while he talks to his, you’re not giving him that level of completion he wants in a partner. Sure, you can branch out now and then, but he wants you to work as a duo.
Quite honestly, the best couples I’ve seen have their own friends and intermingle between all circles. They can go from one to the other, flitting back to their partner because it’s where the want to be, not because it’s where they feel obligated to be.
30. You Should Never Flirt With His Friend
I know I said earlier that he wants to bang your friends, so this might seem like a double standard, but it’s true. He’ll think you’re fucking with him—or worse, that you’re actually attracted to one of his buddies. Don’t risk ruining his friendships or there will be bad times ahead.
Yup… You did say you want to fuck our friends and we are attracted to your friends.
Being attracted to a person is ok. If flirting outside of the relationship is outside the parameters of acceptable, than either partner doing it isn’t cool.
31. He Wants You To Be His Muse
Behind every great man is a great woman. And of course you can have your own hopes and dreams, but he needs you help and inspire him to achieve his.
Thank you so much, oh sexist one, for the permission to have my own ambition.
Bilateral support is the keystone in any relationship. Sometimes one partner will need more than the other but later it will be reciprocated in kind. This is just how grown up relationships work. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a love and respect thing.
32. Whatever It Is You Want In Bed, He WILL Do It
Don’t be embarrassed to ask for it. Whatever you sickest, most twisted sexual fantasy, it’s PG-13 material compared to the shit that goes on in his head.
Ha! I wish!
My sexual fantasy list makes 50 Shades of Grey look like amateur hour. Hell, the sexual reality makes 50 Shades look weak but the reality is, not many men have gotten there and thats ok. Sometimes fantasy is better left to fantasy
Don’t underestimate us there Christian
33. He Needs To Lean On You Sometimes
Most of us are pretty good at shouldering our burdens, but every so often, they get too heavy. But don’t sit him down and make him talk about his feelings—that’s YOUR thing. Just do some little things for him to pick up his slack when he’s overwhelmed.
Bilateral support. We’ve been over this. Everybody needs help from their partner from time to time
Now, please don’t negate men discussing their feelings. That’s how gender binary issues with emotional stunting gets rolling and frankly everybody could use a little vent session about how they’re feeling from time to time
34. Save The Big Piece Of Chicken For Him
He works hard, he doesn’t complain much. He deserves it (thanks to Chris Rock for that one).
We work hard too. I’ll give it to you that men generally have larger appetites but if I’m having a hungry day and you’re not there for dinner…you don’t know any different. No harm, no fowl (Ha! See what I did there)
35. Don’t EVER Emasculate Him
Even if you’re just joking. I promise you, he won’t think it’s funny. And if you do it during a fight, your relationship might never recover.
Dude! You like JUST body shamed!
If gender binary is that important to you than it should be discussed and agreed upon that penis size jokes aren’t cool. Don’t make us guess though because honestly, I’ve dated lots of guys who were plenty secure in their masculinity to not have to define it in modern-traditionalist ways and I could totally take the mickey out about me being more of a dude than they were.
36. He Doesn’t Want To Hear About Your Sexual Past
If you feel the need to give him a number, fine, but don’t get into what you did with whom, no matter how much he asks. I promise you, he doesn’t want to know.
Oh sweetheart…you don’t even want the number.
This one is different per relationship as well. I’ve been with people with whom I didn’t want to know a single detail and likewise for them. I’ve been with others where I was free with the high fives if they had done something super cool.
This one goes individually…treat it as such.
37. He Wants To Be The Best Lover You’ve Ever Had
And if he’s the love of your life, he probably is. But if he’s not, just lie to him.
I thought you could tell when we’re lying. Cause we’re probably lying.
Think about that spring break, where you ate sushi off the yoga instructor before trying to see just how flexible she is. We probably have a moment that equates like that too. Fact of the matter is that you’re not with the yoga instructor and we’re not with the person we had our moment with either. There is a reason. There is also a reason we’re together. Now pull your head out of your insecure ass
38. If He Cheats On You Once, he’ll Do It Again
Even if he apologizes and honestly regrets it, if you let him get away with it, it WILL happen again.
There is this sneaky part of human psyche that likes to get away with things…but only when we know for 100% that we can.
If somebody has gotten away with cheating, either because their partner forgave them or because they lied better, than they will do it again. The thrill is now there. They know they can. There are apparently zero repercussions
Now here’s some interesting fact bombs: Recent studies have shown that women cheat almost as much if not more than men. They’re just better at lying about it. Farrah Fawcett carried on an affair for 11 years on the DL. ELEVEN YEARS! So I guess that throws point 21 out the window. It also puts this cheating fear mongering in a new light I’m betting
39. You Should Let Him Open Doors For You
It’s great that you’re all liberated and shit, but being a gentleman never goes out of style. Let him do those little things and it will make him love you more.
Please for the love of equality, stop being so condescending when you refer to womens lib.
Now that I’ve said that, I personally like it when a fella opens a door, pulls out a chair and I go completely weak in the knees for one who walks on the outside of the sidewalk (and knows why he’s doing it). That’s me.
Not every woman likes that. Some women find it condescending to their place in today’s society and the still reaching gap and total equality and there are some guys who totally dig that about their women
40. You Need To Be His Moral Compass
He looks to his woman to keep him in check. Make sure he always does the right thing.
Just no. Women want a man who can keep himself in check because women want a grown-up. Women don’t want to have to babysit their man because without her he’ll do something stupid. That’s just a recipe for drama and disaster. This one is just nuts and insulting.
41. You Should Let Him Win Sometimes
Men hate it when you’re better at them at what they love. He has a fragile ego, and sorry, but you need you to cater to it sometimes. If you throw a game and he gloats, though, all bets are off.
If my man can’t be proud of me for being good at something, than frankly I don’t want him. I’ve dated guys with the Midas Touch. They were good at everything they touched. It was annoying sometimes but in the end I was proud of them for being good at what they were doing. That’s how bilateral support works. I throw games for children who are too young to lose (ages 2-6), I’m not doing it for a grown assed man.
42. If You Make Him Watch A Chick Flick, At Least Give Him A Blowjob Afterwards
Seriously, those things are painful. You have no idea how much we hate them. If he made it through the whole thing without complaining, reward him. And if it was one of the SEX & THE CITY movies, you owe him either anal or a threesome. Your choice.
This one hurts my feminism. Just as withholding sex is a dangerous game, so is rewarding with sex. Nobody should be doing something because they have cohersed sex at the end of it.
Just like you want us to like the things you like, we want you to like the things we like.
A better compromise would be for every chick flick, there’s an action flick in it. You pick one, we pick one. That’s a better, more respectful choice.
I’m not saying there won’t be sex after one of our movies, people generally like it when their partner puts in extra effort and that usually equates to sex but let me be clear, WE NEVER OWE YOU SEX. EVER!
Thinking as such helps perpetuate rape culture. Congrats.
43. Speaking Of Threesomes… He Will NEVER Stop Trying
It doesn’t mean you’re not enough for him, it’s just that it’s the ultimate male fantasy. I’m not saying you ever have to cave in (it’s probably best if you don’t). But just tolerate his attempts to make it happen. He can’t help himself.
He can help himself. Men are not so primal that they are controlled by their sexual desires and nothing more. If a woman has nixed a threesome or any other sexual act, respect that. There are a million and one reasons a person doesn’t want to partake in a sexual act, especially one as intimate as having another person in bed with them and their partner. If you can’t respect that then you need to look at yourself and why you don’t respect her (or women in general)
(and from somebody who has had a threesome or two in her life, some fantasies are better left fantasies)
44. He Needs Quiet Sometimes
You don’t have to fill the silence with pointless chatter and small talk. If you’re comfortable together, you should be able to just shut the fuck up every once in a while.
I would be totally ok with this point if you didn’t tell us to shut the fuck up. Everybody needs quiet sometimes. Everybody. Even the most extroverted person needs quiet time. That quiet time may equate to music in earbuds that only they can hear but it’s still their version of quiet time.
Really, was telling us to shut the fuck up necessary?
45. You Should Compliment Him More
Hey, women aren’t the only ones who like compliments. Tell him he looks good, tell him he’s smart, whatever. He needs to hear that shit every once in a while.
This is a basic respect thing. Everybody likes to be validated, especially by their partner. Everybody should do it more. Not just blanket statements like “You’re pretty/handsome” either…compliment them on something specific like their eyes, cooking or ability to not be a sexist moron.
46. You Don’t Always Have To Be Right
Hey, if it’s worth it, then just dig your heels in and fight to your dying breath. But sometimes, he just wants his opinion validated and you don’t have to contradict him just because you see things differently.
If I see things differently, I’m going to say as such because I have valid opinions too. If your opinion is also valid, just different from mine, I’ll say as such, before I put my two cents in. Because I have valid opinions too
47. Make Sure You Look Just As Good When You Go Out With Him As When You Go Out With The Girls
We all get lazy after a while when we don’t have to impress anyone anymore. But if you’re all sweats and T-shirts when it’s just the two of you and you’re smoking hot when you’re going out without him, he’s going to wonder who you’re doing that for.
O.K. I said I would respond to the 23rd point eventually and here it is. We try on several outfits before hanging out with the girls too (or in my case, guys *cue doomsday music*). If you want us looking just as good for you as we do for them, than deal with the process.
48. He’s Not Your Dad
For all you princesses out there. Yes, he’s supposed to take care of you, but it’s not in the same way. You’re a grown woman, for Christ’s sake. Learn the difference between a father and a partner.
You want us to take care of your moral compass and pretend we’re bad a things so you can feel better about yourself (read: be your mommy) but now you’re bitching because you don’t want us to expect similar treatment.
Lucky for you some girls had shitty dads (*waves* HI!) and we’re not looking for that in any way shape or form but as previously mentioned by yourself “Odds are, there are qualities she has that he sees in you, so try to figure out what those are and relate to her on that level.” Same deal, bro.
49. You’re Not His Mother
If you’re always picking up after him and washing his dishes, he’s got some growing up to do. Don’t play into his Freudian fantasy.
Half of this post has been one stick pin away from a Grecian Tragedy. There is more to needing a mommy figure than just the physical aspects, needing somebody to tend so closely to your emotional well being lends into that too. Sorry, but according to this, you’re looking for a mommy figure who makes you do your chores.
50. He’s Not As Complicated As You Are
Don’t go thinking that means you’re deeper than he is, though. Or smarter. He just likes to keep it simple. If you can understand and appreciate that, you might end up complimenting each other very well.
Men are deep. They are complicated. They are brilliant. They have more basic emotions than hungry & horny. They have just been taught to repress them to the point of never coming to the surface, ever. If we eliminate statements like the above, we might actually come to a point of emotional equality in life and in relationships.
I don’t for a second believe that the majority of men believe shit like this. I don’t for a second believe that the majority of what I’ve said needs to be explained to the gross populous. I also do not believe that works for one relationship works for another. I have garnered a lot of my opinions through dating, a lot. This is what works (more or less) for me. Do what you gotta do for you, beautiful people.
I did however feel the need to respond to something this inane and insulting hitting the web and I have done as such. Please take either side with a grain of salt as they are both opinions.